The concept of enough hasn’t been part of my life for very long.

By not long, I mean, I’ve toyed with the idea, even embraced it, but ultimately, I generally reject it. Yes, I believe in enough. It’s true that I have enough, but really what I want is more, something different, something better.

I was working in my barn the other day.

It has been the neglected child of our move, where everything that doesn’t yet have a place is thrown. I had gotten some hooks to put bikes up and reorganized AGAIN. Everything needed a place that would meet my organizational obsessiveness. I worked on it for longer than I had planned and made significant progress.

For a moment, a very short moment, I was feeling pretty pleased with myself for getting the bikes hung on the wall and the horse tack organized and hanging instead of sitting bunched up in buckets. I spent about 1 second luxuriating in the hours of work I had just done before my mind started making plans for 1,000 other things that I wanted to do, or how I wished it was different and better.

The tack area wasn’t really great, I wanted it enclosed. There needed to be a space for this and that and really, now that I looked at it, everything should probably be different and better. I thought about what I could research and buy and change to make it better.

I had just made vast improvements and all I could see was what was yet to be done, or what I lacked.

Then, I realized what I was doing to myself. How I was undermining my work, and not only that but completely ignoring everything I had and focusing only on what felt insufficient. So, I stopped my thoughts, because that is where all these feelings and actions originate.

I stepped back and took another look.

Look at what I had done. I felt pleased I had used several supplies that I already had rather than purchasing more expensive solutions. Instead of seeing what I thought I didn’t like, I looked at what was great about my barn. It has a great “open floor plan,” I noted, and then immediately began to tell myself I hated it. But after considering it for a moment, I realized it would be better. Who would want to open a door with a saddle in your arms? The openness would minimize work and maintain flexibility as life changed and evolved. Instead of seeing what wasn’t there, I looked at how each section was getting organized and recognized that I had done things that a few years ago I wouldn’t have even attempted, like hanging boards for the bike hooks.

I stopped then and there and recognized what I accomplished and acknowledged that what I had, and the work I had done was enough.

I don’t do that very often.

Usually, nothing is ever enough.

I’m sure I didn’t always feel that way. As a child, my life felt abundant, but now it seemed that all I ever saw was everything I lacked. It is easy to identify where I personally lack in my parenting, my career, my character, my looks, and my possessions. You name it. I can easily find what I don’t possess and what I’m not skilled at. This was not a breakthrough realization. I’m very aware of the character trait I lack, that of being content. You see, I’m very good at identifying everything I’m not and everything I don’t have.

Do you know what else I’m sadly good at? Pointing this same thing out to the people around me, especially my children. Yes, you did the dishwasher great, but you put five dishes away in the wrong place. Oh sure, your room is fairly clean, but what about those dirty corners?

It is never enough.

What I have is never enough. The things my children do great are never enough. There is always more that I want from my husband.

But, this is not just a function of my poor character, it’s what I have learned in life and it’s hard to override embedded learning. I’ve been constantly fed a diet of, “You should always be progressing, striving for more, and doing better.” “You are never enough.”

In high school, I got into a well-known college. The message I got from those around me was, I’m disappointed in you because my behavior one day was not up to their specifications, and that is what I remembered. I was ultimately a disappointment.

It’s been a ghost that has haunted me throughout my life–the message of never enough. I’m disappointed in you was a statement changed into, I’m disappointed in myself. I know I could do better. It’s clear that I should be doing more. Everything around me tells me I should focus on more, doing and being more, cultivating more values, buying more things, and making more out of what I have, more out of who I am.

More!

I want More!

There is more I need!

It has echoed in my head so loudly that like a zombie I have unconsciously followed the call seldom questioning the truth of it.

The message has been laced through my life in the society I live in, the culture I’m a part of, the schools I attended, and the jobs I’ve had. You aren’t enough. Do better. You have 100%, but you should have 110%.

Time after time, I tried so hard. I put all my effort into reaching out and grabbing the elusive more, but in the end, all I grasped in my hand was not enough. All my efforts were never enough. And the message I received was always the same. There is more you can and should be doing. You simply are not enough as you are.

The lessons we learn as children are the messages we teach as parents.

I try, oh how I try, to not focus on what is “left wanting” by my impossible standards.

I consciously tell myself, I will only focus on the good, and then I feel myself blurting out, “You just got mud all over the floor, what were you thinking?”

“That’s great you are getting straight A’s, but aren’t you spending too much time on your phone?”

Yes, that’s good and well, let’s recognize that for one small second, but then look over here at where you could be doing so much better.

Yet, I regress, for now, I will choose to give myself some grace because I have made tremendous steps in accepting myself for who I am, right now, rather than always working towards the person I could be and berating the striving soul in front of me. And though I’m not perfect at it, I’ve done much better at doing the same with my kids. Not always perfectly.

I’ll probably never be perfect at it, but I have gotten better at seeing enough.

“Did you try your best? Then that’s great.”

“You didn’t try your best? That’s okay. I don’t always do my best or even want to try my best.”

“You had fun? That’s what matters.”

“It wasn’t even fun? Well, now you know for next time.”

And these conversations are better. These conversations focus on enough. It’s enough that you tried, it’s enough that you made a poor effort, it is enough. And as I say these words, I hope my children learn, they are enough. Not as I see them at some future date. They are enough as they are, right now. Their imperfect selves make mistakes and make poor choices and mess up, just like me, and it is enough and I love all parts of them.

But I can only begin to share these messages with my children and those I love when I first embed these messages into myself. And I’m trying to do that.

And that is enough because trying, not just achieving matters.

Dare I say, trying matters more than achieving? And more than that, just being you, who you are today, right now, is enough. All you have in your life, your skills, your knowledge, your home, your possessions, your imperfect family and friends, they are enough.

Stop giving 1 second to recognize what you have and the other 23.99 hours of the day focusing on what you lack. (Yep, talking to myself right now.)

All those changes I initially wanted to make to my barn. I decided not to.

It’s enough. It provides me with not just what I need, but many of the things I want. And, it’s not just my barn that is enough. I am enough. The things I do are enough. There is beauty in not doing, perhaps there is more beauty in not doing, no longer wanting and instead sitting contentedly in the world you live in and recognizing that it is all enough in every direction that you look.

It’s funny, even as I write that, I wonder if I can. I immediately conjure up all the bad things I have heard about being content, about it meaning you are lazy, lack motivation, have no drive, aren’t living up to your potential. The problem is, you will never be hard-working enough, and you will never have enough motivation or drive. Your potential will never be met because, with this attitude, none of it will ever be enough. You will always be left reaching for more.

This idea of contentment and having enough has always been related to negative traits in my life. But not anymore, today is a day of enough.

Contentment and recognizing you have enough takes balance.

As with most things in life, there is requisite balance. In my life, I have been hanging off the cliff on one side of perfectionism and criticism. Others may hang off on the other side, never trying, never putting forth effort. I’m not sure because that hasn’t been my vice. Falling off either side of the cliff leads to death.

There is a careful trail that must be walked along the top. It consists of continuing to improve and work and make the world a better place, but in equal measure, finding contentment and satisfaction in achievements, and accepting who you are, right now, today. It is walking this same careful line with those we love and the world around us. Both accepting, appreciating, and finding enough, but also encouraging, uplifting, and feeding growth.

This balance is what makes it so supremely hard, but it is also where our growth will most flourish, in recognizing the good and striving towards more, but with intention, rather than with flailing arms, frantically trying to catch more to avoid doom that exists only in our head.

Read here about how to quiet those unkind voices in your head.