Do you ever find the person you feel like one day, is completely different another day? One day parent, another day professional, one day a happy worker, the next day an angry victim. Where do these parts come from? Why are there days when you just can’t seem to stand who you are? Your exile, firefighter and manager are simply doing the best they can with the information they have.

It’s fairly well accepted in the world of psychology that no human is made up of one part, but there are pieces to each of us, different parts that compile the entirety of our person and arise at different times and in different situations.

The specifics that make up each person are up for debate.

Sigmund Freud believed it was the id (our base instinct-driven self), the superego (our self-righteous moral compass), and ego (the mediator between the two).

Carl Jung proposed archetypes of the persona (the mask we wear in public), the shadow (the dark side), the anima/animus (unconscious feminity in males, masculinity in females), and the self (the united self-actualized individual).

If you feel like you just aren’t sure who your true self is, don’t be shocked. It’s a mystery that has been explored for a while.

The internal family system (IFS) offers another explanation.

And it has been making waves in the world of therapy.  You don’t have to go to therapy to further explore your inner self, the divided being you try so hard to reconcile, even if not done consciously.

Internal family systems offer another view of the pieces of yourself that make their way to the surface. Bessel Van Der Kolk in his excellent book addressing trauma, The Body Keeps the Score discussed this system and how the exploration of it can lead to healing.

I know, trauma sounds intense. If your childhood was like mine, which I hope it was, it would be hard to associate it with trauma. It was filled with camping, running in the woods, playing with siblings, engaging in activities I loved. There was nothing much traumatic about it. I never was physically hurt or went without food to eat. It was typical.

Sadly, many individuals have experienced intense, earth-shattering trauma. If this is you, I have the utmost respect and admiration for what you endured and are overcoming. Working with IFS in a therapeutic setting may be just the thing you need.

But even typical childhoods are replete with struggles.

And trauma can be anything that has left you or your world disturbed. If you’ve lived on earth, with other people, for any significant amount of time, there has likely been a moment or two of disturbance in your life.

So don’t check out just yet assuming you won’t benefit. Because the reality of life and living with other people is that it is hard. Hard things come and go. It’s simply the way of things and our mind deals with the challenges we face the best we can.

Understanding the origin of behavior is never a bad thing.

We have an entire subconscious mind that functions without any awareness on our part. It does so based on the input our brain has taken in from life experiences. All these automatic responses you have, those reactions you can’t control, but wish were different, they come from somewhere.

They developed due to the information our brain was fed. So learning more about your subconscious mind can give you just the insights you need to do a little reprogramming. And IFS might be just the thing to help you do that.

Within the theory of IFS, there are three different, incomplete, members, each with a specific role. Much like the name implies, there is a little family inside your mind, interacting and making decisions and each taking on their role. The manager. The firefighter. The exile.

Take a look and see what roles and behaviors you might attribute to the players.

As you identify the behaviors linked to each role, you can better understand where those automatic and not so automatic behaviors originate from.

The manager

This is the part of yourself that you know well. If you are healthily functioning in society, it is most likely the manager keeping you in good working condition. Your manager gets things done. It collaborates with the world and figures things out. It’s your really great executive secretary. It copes with life, but none of the deep stuff.

The exile

This is the still-in-there, scared, frightened, hurt, betrayed (whatever it might be) child. When you feel vulnerable. Down. Worthless. Hopeless. This is your exile. It is the weak, helpless part of yourself, hurting from unhealed wounds. (I think everyone has some). It takes from your conscious mind and carries and holds onto the hurts you have experienced so you can function in your day  to day life.

The protector

Also known as the firefighters, this part storms in when you are feeling threatened and does everything it can to protect you, even if that means leaving destruction in your wake. That last fight when you did some things you regret. Yep, that’s him or her. It fiercely fights for the exile, but at the same time, hates the exile, hates the weakness and inability associated with it. This is the guy (or girl) saying, “Suck it up.” “Rub some dirt on it and keep going.” They aren’t especially nice (unlike every real-life firefighter I’ve met), but they have a job to do, and they do it well. They keep you safe through all means necessary. Click here to learn about a strategy to disengage your firefighter.

The self

If you’ve made it through life with no hurt unhealed, and no feelings left unresolved then you my friend are here. Please message me, call me. I want to talk to you. Truly, if you are in a state of continual peace, handling conflicts that arise in a healthy manner for yourself and others, you’ve made it. I give you a hearty high five and request an interview. But, if you haven’t made it 100% all the time, you can still learn to be in this state sometimes and develop skills to be in it more and more often, gradually embracing your whole self.

To do that:

1. Don’t be afraid to find your hurts, accept them and give them nurtured healing.
2. Recognize the people you are surrounded by are just like you, with strengths and weaknesses and doing their best. Learn to honor not just their best, but your best also.
3. Embrace your inner exile. They are hurting and you should love that part of you because the exile has taken the pain from the other parts of your life so you were not constantly in that state. The exile might be the real hero of the story, but he or she needs a break too and some freedom from the pain.
4. Thank your firefighter, but let them know, they don’t always have to step in. In fact, the more and more aware you are of those things that threaten your exile, the less often you will need your firefighter because instead of fighting off that weakness and hurt, you will learn to understand it and take care of it. You will learn how to shelter the exile.