This year has been full of heartache and devastation. I have known more close friends who have lost loved ones or had tragic accidents than ever before. Of all the people I know, these friends were people worthy of a miracle if anyone was. And yet, there was no miracle. There were no unexplained healings.

Are miracles a matter of faith?

I have often heard the sentiment, that miracles occur because of faith and effort–prayers, commitment etc.. But what about when miracles don’t happen? Does that mean that faith was lacking? That those who hoped for miracles didn’t do all they could?

I can’t pretend to know why some who are sick recover despite the direst predictions, or why some suddenly leave this earth. I don’t know why some have unexplainable recoveries and others don’t. I do know that it is usually when miracles don’t occur that we are forced to grow and become stronger.

No matter how much faith you have, there may be no miracle.

Between the births of my fourth and fifth living children, another child entered my life. This baby stayed with me only for a short time. At a little over 13 weeks gestation, I went in for a routine prenatal visit. When I did, the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was led to the room where ultrasounds took place. There I sat alone, waiting for the technician. I hoped my dread would soon be proven wrong. I prayed for a miracle. But the ultrasound left me heartbroken. Instead of a miracle it confirmed there was no heartbeat.

I left the doctor’s office silently weeping, out a back door to avoid the attention my sorrow might draw.

Now, I had to decide to either wait for my body to miscarry on it’s own, or to use medical intervention. After several days, and absolutely no physical change for me, the doctor’s office became concerned that I might develop an infection.

During all this time, I prayed and hoped for a miracle.

It was decided I would have a D & C. Before I had the procedure, I went in for another appointment. I received another ultrasound. I held my breath. Hoping against hope that I would see a miracle–a little heartbeat once again. After all, my body had given no indication that anything was wrong.

But, the results were the same. The baby was there, but the heartbeat was not. I asked several times to be sure.

There was no miracle. There was no restoration of life.

After my miscarriage, I read about other women with similar experiences. Others whose babies’ heartbeats had left them.

But scattered among the heartache were a handful of stories of those who got their miracle. In their stories, at one appointment there was no heartbeat. After unending prayer and faith, the next appointment showed a thriving and healthy baby.

What had I done wrong?

Did my baby die because I didn’t pray enough? Was I not given a miracle because I lacked faith? Did I too quickly accept what I felt was an inevitable outcome?

It’s difficult to know why I miscarried and other women did not. I don’t know why I didn’t have a miracle and others did.

My story is far from unique.

For every story of an amazing miracle, there are far more stories filled with equal faith, equal pleading and equal yearning, but there is no miracle.

My story is not the only story of unrealized miracles. It is not even my only story of miracles that I yearned and pleaded for but never came.

It is just one of millions of stories. It is one story in millions when there was tremendous faith, hope and pleading and no miracle.

Each story is difficult. It seems each experience would have been much better and easier if a miracle had occurred, a miracle like the ones I have read about all my life in the Bible. It seems that a loving God who gives good gifts (Matthew 7:11), would certainly see us wanting loved ones around for a longer time as a good gift. And yet, he didn’t.

Why?

We just don’t know.

As much as we would like, we don’t always know the reason things happen as they do.

We may never have the answer of why some people die young, and others live. We will likely never know why some are terminally ill, and others fully and unexpectedly recover. It’s hard to understand why one accident resulted in a fatality and another just a scratch. Why do some relationships heal and others remain shattered?

We don’t know why miracles sometimes happen and sometimes don’t, but hardship is not due to a lack of faith.

Loss is not because we were not good enough to receive a merciful blessing.

Heartbreak is not reserved for the “wicked” and “bad” people of the world.

Heartbreak, hurt and loss is a universal life experience.

If your life has been fairly free of tremendous, earth shattering pain, it is only a matter of time until that will change.

Pain is part of the human condition.

If there is a universal truth in life, it is that it will sometimes hurt beyond anything you could imagine possible.

Pain, loss and heartache have a purpose though. Perhaps that is the clearest reason that miracles do not occur. If there was always a miracle for every faithful prayer, our growth would stagnate. Like any good parent, our Heavenly parents know how important it is for us to grow and to become the best and purest versions of ourself.

With pain there is healing, with loss, there is growth.

Sometimes the miracle we most need is to see the manifestation of our resiliency and capacity.

The miracle is when you endure more than you thought possible. When you grow in ways you didn’t know you needed to or thought possible. When you face a challenge you felt sure would destroy you and instead elevates you.

The greatest teacher we will ever encounter in life is loss. The loss of hopes and dreams, of those we love, of opportunity, of relationships. There is a miracle when we are able to learn the lesson those experiences place before us.

Loss will tear us down and break us apart. We see what remains when comfort and peace is torn away.

It will cause us to question everything we ever thought we knew. It will show us who we are in our true form, undisguised by the vanities, acquisitions and ease that we often focus on in life.

I have many stories of miracles were never written how I thought they should have been.

Yet, within our greatest pain and heartaches there is a miracle.

There is the miracle of our strength. When we find ourselves in a situation we felt we could never face, there is a miracle in realizing that we can, we will continue on and we will, if we choose, come out more courageous and wise in the end.

When the desires we have for those we love to get healthy or change never happen, when marriages don’t heal, when mental illness doesn’t dissipate, there are miracles in our ability to move forward, to adapt and most especially to find joy and happiness once again.

There are miracles in our ability to become someone we never thought possible, and to learn lessons we never knew we needed.

When we find deep relationships with others who have been through the pain or who go through the pain with us, we have a miracle.

I don’t believe there is anyone on this earth who, given the opportunity, would not heal their loved once, fix financial struggles, change situations for the better, if only they could.

What stories would we never write?

If miracles occurred at our mere asking, if every pain and hardship was healed with prayer, what progress would we forfeit?

It’s easy to wish for things to be different. Longing for the way we thought things would be is normal and natural.

But growth doesn’t occur in a life of perfection or when we always receive everything we ask for. It occurs when we realize strength we never thought we had, find wisdom that would otherwise be elusive, and perhaps the greatest of all, become filled with empathy and share grief with others.

The miracle you plead for may never happen. God may have a harder path for you, a different miracle in mind.

When there is no miracle, it is not because you were not enough or you did not have enough faith, or you didn’t offer enough prayers. It is because God loves you enough to push you to be a better version of yourself and he knows you can be.