“Mental illness”–including depression, suicidality and various other disorders, can be one of the most devastating trials to endure. We don’t talk about it or do fundraisers like we do with cancer, there is often no clear medical cure as with diabetes, but it can be equally devastating as any difficult medical issue, sometime more so. Loving someone struggling with their mental health either temporarily or long term is often a lonely path to endure because of the shame and stigma surrounding the issue.

If someone you love is suffering from challenges with their mental health, here are some things you can do that will help.

Love them Unconditionally

It can be hard to endure the mental health trials of someone you love. Often the suffering taking place by the one you love reflects in their behavior towards you. You need to love despite being hurt and at times struggling yourself. This does not mean that you don’t set standards for how you expect to be treated, but it does mean that even though you may be very hurt yourself, you continue to love and express it in beneficial ways in the midst of great hardship. Unconditional love does not disappear once things get rough. Unconditional love persists despite the greatest challenges and this is something that you will need to remember because there will be days that are hard.

Listen without judgement

Whether it is your spouse, child or friend, when they are suffering mental pain they will fear being judged. They do not want to be told it is their fault or to snap out of it. They may even feel this way themselves, but these words will help neither party. Do not condemn or accuse. They would like to feel better just as much as you would like for them to feel better, but likely don’t know how. One of the greatest needs is someone to listen to them and comfort them in their time of great difficulty. Crying with them, recognizing they are in extreme pain and letting them know you are there for them can be some of the most powerful medicine and encouragement for them to continue in the struggle with mental wellness. You cannot take away their pain, but you can ask, “What can I do to help you?”

Encourage Them

Encouragement can take many forms. It may help to encourage them to get help, finding resources for them makes the steps for reaching out easier. Express your gratitude that they continue the fight against the darkness and devastation they are feeling. You may need to buoy them up when they are feeling especially weak. There is not one way to encourage, but it is essential that rather than becoming critical, frustrated and expressing disappointment you find ways to encourage change and continued fighting against the challenges they face. Encouragement may be as simple as helping them get up for the day, recommending they eat or going to exercise with them.

Set Boundaries and Take Care of Yourself

Often the loved ones of those with mental health challenges can became overly involved and focused on the one who is suffering. It is absolutely necessary that you take care of yourself. If you do not, you may reach the point where you cannot support your loved one. Set boundaries–let your loved one know what is and is not acceptable in terms of behavior. Because someone is depressed or hurting does not mean that it is okay that they treat you unkindly–this may include the way they talk to you or physically treat you among other behaviors. You can let them know you love them, but that you expect to be treated in a certain way or will need to remove yourself or them from the situation if that boundary is breached. It’s okay to let them know that you need to take care of yourself and to do so while assuring them that you deeply love and care for them.

If you came across a wounded animal that you wanted to help and he lashed out, trying to bite you because of pain and fear, you would not just let that animal attack you. You would first protect yourself and ensure your safety so you could then effectively help the wounded animal. The same is true for a hurting loved one. You must first protect and care for yourself so you can effectively help another. This however does not mean that you don’t maintain compassion, love and the best interests of your loved one. Setting boundaries does not mean being harsh or unkind, it means being gentle in your need for self-care.

Don’t Allow Yourself to be Manipulated

Those who are suffering, sometimes use emotional blackmail to help themselves feel better and get what they want or feel they need. Emotional blackmail is when someone uses fear, manipulation or guilt to control another. For example your child might insist on certain behavior from you or threaten to run away. It would be appropriate to let your child know that you do not want her to run away, but if she chooses to do so you will need to call the police in order to ensure her safety. A friend may say that they will end the friendship if you seek help. Let your friend know, that more than anything you want to remain friends, but this is beyond what you can handle on your own.

It is always good to express what you would like for the one you love–“I’m sorry this hurts you and I don’t want you to be hurt or hurt yourself, but I need to (fill in the blank–be alone for awhile, go to the store, do something for myself). I can call someone else to help you if that is what you need right now.” You cannot control the actions of the person you love. Despite all your best efforts they may choose to engage in behavior which is unhealthy and harmful. You can influence them, but if they choose otherwise, you will have to accept that they are the only one who can choose their behavior and you did the best for them that you know how. Do not act out of fear or guilt, but make those choices which are most beneficial for both parties despite possible consequences (lashing out, withdrawing, running away etc.). Focus on what is best, for both parties, not what you fear. Always express love and your sincere concern.

Take One Day at a Time

Mental pain can be short term due to a specific event or may be long-term clinically diagnosed mental illness or anywhere in between. Mental health challenges will likely be touch and go–possibly indefinitely. You will long for the challenges to disappear but there is a good chance that they will persist beyond what you hoped. Accept where you are at rather than longing for things to be different. Celebrate the good days and embrace the bad days. Some of the worst days may be necessary steps towards progress. After those hard days, have hope that tomorrow will be better, but be willing to endure it if it is not.

Call for Help if Needed

If you find yourself in a position in which the one you love has reached a point where they are no longer safe. Call for help. You can quickly find helplines on the internet, you can call your local law enforcement, or if you are working with a professional, you can reach out to them. If you feel that things have reached a point of danger and are beyond your abilities to keep your loved one safe, for your sake and theirs, and often despite their protests, reach out to those who can provide more help and assistance.

Find Support

It is necessary that you find others who can help you and who you can lean on during difficult times. This may consist of seeking professional help, finding a friend, mentor or religious leader to talk to or praying. Don’t underestimate a greater power than your own to help you. This is a difficult path to walk alone and you do not have to, nor is it healthy. Find others who can uplift, advise and help you. This will give you strength, which you can in turn share with the one you love who is suffering.

You Are Not Alone

Millions of individuals struggle every day with mental pain. Chances are that most people you know have been affected by it one way or another. There is no shame in struggling and hurting for either yourself or the one you love. Mental pain is something we all experience as part of the human experience.