I recently observed an interaction between two family members.

The sister, Maryann, was suffering from severe mental and emotional pain and in a dilemma in terms of housing and basic life necessities.

Ted, clearly had deep concern for her and had come to meet her to try to help her.

Maryann told Ted about the pain she was in and tried to explain the painful feelings she was experiencing and why. She had recently left her mother’s home and related that it was too difficult for her to return because of the dynamics in the relationship.

This whole time, Ted, countered her feelings, telling Maryann how he didn’t see the difficulties with their mother and that it wasn’t true that her mother had treated her unkindly. Though he clearly cared, time after time he told Maryann that her feelings were wrong.

Feelings are not right or wrong, feelings are the reality of how we are experiencing the world.

When you come from an outside perspective, it can be hard to understand another person’s feelings. It can be easy to argue against those feelings, as you may see no basis for them and possibly many counterarguments against them. It may feel obvious to you that the feelings being expressed are wrong.

Whether it is a loved one in trouble, a child upset over something that seems silly or a co-worker who seems like they are being unreasonable, or a spouse who you feel is treating you unfairly the concept is true:

You cannot tell another person what they should be feeling.

In fact, arguing with someone about their feelings and the validity of them can be one of the most damaging approaches you could take. This causes others to shut down, it invalidates their life experience, and turns the attention, not on resolving bad feelings, but on arguing about them.

How should seemingly unreasonable feelings be handled?

First of all, it is important to accept them, both for the individual who is feeling them and for those who are concerned about them. The feelings one experiences are real. Telling ourselves that we should not be feeling them or having someone else do the same does not change the feelings.

Instead of arguing about whether or not feelings are reasonable or valid, work to determine why they are occurring. If your adolescent daughter is depressed because she has nothing to wear, instead of pointing out all she has to wear, ask her why she is feeling so sad about that. It may be as simple as her being discontent with her wardrobe and as deep as her not feeling included at school. If you are arguing about whether the feelings are right or wrong, you can’t discover where they are stemming from.

By talking about them, discussing them and exploring them, instead of arguing about them, steps can be taken to resolve negative feelings or at a minimum to be aware of them and the variables that lead to particular feelings.

If your spouse feels like you never help around the house, it’s not helpful to point out the 10 things you just did to help around the house, but instead to ask, why he or she feels that way? By discussing feelings, you allow the opportunity to discover where changes and improvements can be made. Maybe you do need to step up and help more in the house, or maybe it would help to change what you are doing so that the things you are helping with are the items that are important to your spouse, or maybe your spouse would benefit by focusing on gratitude for what you have been doing. Often times resolutions of feelings in relationships can require some change by both parties. Regardless, to resolve and improve feelings, you need to be able to talk about them and have the courage to explore them.

Perhaps most importantly, what someone else feels, is not your choice or your responsibility, but if you care about them you can be a listening ear instead of an argumentative opponent, because arguing about feelings, no matter how sound your argument is, will not help someone else to change or more importantly address and resolve their feelings.

So next time, instead of being flabbergasted by someone’s seemingly ridiculous feelings, and explaining to them why they are wrong, take the time to understand why those feelings are occurring and then work on what can be done to address them. This holds true regardless of sex–both men and women benefit from talking about and exploring the root of their feelings.