If you are a Christian, you have likely heard this message time and time again.

“Lose yourself in the service to others.”

If you are struggling with something, give to others. Don’t be selfish, give all you have to others.

I have heard this message time and time again and sermon after sermon. It has been given in various forms, but the idea is the same. To be a good Christian, a good follower of Jesus Christ, to be saved and exalted, I must “lose myself.”

The message has been–“Give, give, give to everyone around you.”

Give to your children. Give to your church. Give to your husband or wife, your neighbor, your fellow churchgoer, the homeless, and anyone in need. Give all you have to everyone else.

Give until you are broken (a term often referenced in Christianity, which is a discussion for another day).

But, don’t give to yourself. That is selfish. It is not Christlike.

I was taught this message and I believed it. For a long time I thought, if I just gave enough, it would be returned to me in a positive form someday.

I did my very best to give all of myself, to give all I had.

And it is true.

I lost myself.

But, it wasn’t in a good way.

I lost myself in a depleted, depressed, lonely devastating way.

I lost the essence of who I was.

I gave it all away because I had been taught by so many sources around me that I respected, that by giving my all, I would be good. If I basically eliminated myself from the equation, I would finally be enough.

If I lost myself, I would be worthy of God’s love. I would receive acknowledgment and acceptance from other Christians.

If instead, I sought my own well-being, if I focused on and met my own needs, I was being selfish.

However, I reached a point in my life, where I had to seek my own well-being to continue to survive and thrive in this life. I’m still working on finding myself again and better caring for and valuing myself.

How can a follower of Christ both love themselves and give their all to others?

The simple answer is, you can’t, and more importantly, you shouldn’t.

Losing yourself for the benefit of others is a principle that Christ NEVER taught. The scriptures NEVER say we should lose ourselves in service, nor that we should lose ourselves by giving our all to others.

What the scriptures actually say is,

“…and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” Matthew 16:25

“…whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.” Luke 9:24

We are asked to lose ourselves for Christ’s sake–for the cause of Christ.

What is the cause of Christ?

You are the cause of Christ and I am the cause of Christ.

The cause of Christ is not everyone else except for you and me.

Christ wants YOU to find joy, to be happy. He seeks your well-being and for you to feel loved and cared for.

Christ does not want you to be depleted and depressed and miserable. He is not looking for his followers to become a shell of their formally “selfish” being.

Christ wants you to be whole, to grow, to become more.

We don’t become more by giving all of ourselves away.

One challenge with scripture is that it is open for interpretation and often it is taken out of context. This scripture is regularly used out of context with added interpretation.

When Christ is talking in the scriptures about losing oneself, it is being discussed in a conversation that is focused on seeking spirituality over the things of the world or material things. The discussion is not focused on putting one person’s well-being above another’s.

Regardless, it is regularly taught that we should put our well-being second to the well-being of others if we are true followers of Christ. If we do this, the message is that we will be taken care of by Christ.

Sometimes this may be true.

Here’s the thing though.

God knows he created amazing beings.

We do not need a miracle from God to be taken care of. We need to use the many skills and knowledge and wisdom that God has given us and use it to care for ourselves, not just everyone else.

We, in and of ourselves, are God’s greatest miracles.

While other miracles may occur, the greatest and most profound miracle is each one of God’s children and their divine and Godly potential. That potential is achieved through personal and individualized efforts.

Placing yourself in a position of importance, worthy of time, and caring is important.

You might say, this is inconsistent with doctrine. For me personally, the most powerful place I seek to know Christ’s teachings is from the life he lived.

Looking to Christ’s life for guidance, we see that even Christ himself stepped away from the world. He left serving others and he cared for himself. He withdrew, even when others surely still had needs, and he gave to himself and renewed himself.

Just as Christ did, we too should care for ourselves.

If we are not meant to give all we have to others, what does it mean to lose ourselves as Christ intended?

I believe there are at least two other better explanations for this principle.

The first is self-mastery.

Christ is asking us to use discipline and continually gain knowledge so that we can become the best version of ourselves.

This means we work hard on our weaknesses.

We continually strive to push ourselves. To grow. To be a better version of ourselves than we were yesterday.

No one came to this earth perfect and no one has a perfect understanding of the best way to live this life and do the most good. Coming to earth to learn and grow, to become the best version of ourselves, is the cause of Christ.

Christ is asking us to lose our lesser selves, to leave them behind and instead reach for our potential. We are asked to lose our former weaker, less knowledgeable self and gain a greater higher self. That is the losing ourselves that I believe Christ is referring to.

The second important concept to discuss is sacrifice.

Yes, we are asked to sacrifice. To do this, we must have a clear understanding of what sacrifice is.

Sacrifice is to give up something, often something good, for something better.

We have never been asked in the scriptures by Jesus Christ to give up something good for something inferior.

When we give up ourselves for someone else, that is not good. We are important too and should not trivialize and dismiss our own needs. We are not asked to give up our well-being to take care of another individual.

That is not sacrifice as I believe it is intended or taught in the scriptures.

Yes, sometimes we can give up something lesser to help another individual. That is good, but we are never asked to give everything we have or everything we are to someone else.

Christ’s message is not for us to live in pain and hopelessness.

Christ does not want us to continually feel inadequate. Christ and the scriptures continually teach about our worth and our value.

Christ does not want us to feel exhausted. That’s never taught in the scriptures, although there are many teachings of the value of rest and renewal.

Feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion come from the adversary who would hope that we give up because it’s too hard and we will never be enough.

Christ wants what is best for us. When we are at our best, when our needs are met we are more capable, and we have the capacity to reach a higher potential.

Giving too much is not a female issue.

This issue is often felt to be more common with females and mothers, but males also suffer from giving too extensively and not caring for themselves.

It is often manifested in different ways, but it is no less valid.

Husbands and males are not just breadwinners. Just as no woman is just a mother, just a wife, or just a homemaker. We like to compartmentalize, but every individual is defined by so much more than one action they perform.

Just like women, men should also seek to care for their physical, mental, and emotional needs.

They should not always be giving, giving, giving.

While in a traditional family form, their giving may seem more revered as a breadwinner has money that speaks for how valuable their work is, it is no less tedious, depleting, anxiety-ridden, or difficult than any role a woman might have.

And yes, this holds true if the woman is the breadwinner and the man is the primary caregiver or any other scenario.

Christianity has sometimes mistaken value

Somehow, in Christian society, it seems that the badge of honor goes to the individual who is the most tired, who has given the most, and who pays the least attention to their personal needs.

The true badge of courage and honor should not go to the most depleted, but to the individuals who love themselves and those around them enough to care for themselves.

It should go to the person who has seen their potential and value at the highest levels and works to achieve that potential by caring for the body, mind, and health they have been given and then using that potential and capacity to bless the lives of others in appropriate ways.

Lose Yourself

Yes, lose yourself. Let go of the old you. Embrace new learning, and new understanding. Care for yourself in a way that shows Christ you understand just how precious you and the many gifts and talents you have been given are.