It is a cold and chilly morning.

It seems that summer has suddenly turned to winter. While it is truly only a VERY cold fall day, it has left a stark reminder of the incredibly swift passing of time. This morning it is a reminder of the time that I have lost.

With each turn of the seasons I get older, as do my children. The work, turmoil and joy of raising young children is quickly turning to the daunting and exciting tasks of raising teens. Time has left the emergence of soon-to-be adults for whom I hope to be a positive and strengthening influence and lifelong friend.

In my heart, I know there are times I could have easily done better. I know, there are precious moments when I simply checked out due to tiredness, stress or discouragement.

The past cannot be revisited once sacrificed.

But the wonderful thing about acknowledgement is that it opens the pathway for improvement.

There is great hope in finally confronting this long-known knowledge and in moving forward doing better.

I can see it in my mind’s eye. My children playing, vying for my attention, my acknowledgement and my distracted conversation with them as I scroll, scroll, scroll.

Taking “just a minute for myself.” Though there was seldom any actual personal benefit.

I cringe to think of the minutes, the hours and the years thrown away and wasted on mindless scrolling. The justification that I had found one uplifting article or post among the many that left me discouraged, unfocused or simply having given time to the tasks of meaningless clicking and scrolling.

It’s something I have long known, and even tried to conquer before, but never fully faced head on. I, in no minced words, have an addiction. Scrolling on social media, the news or any random page, allows me to stop feeling for a time.

When I am tired or discouraged, sad or frustrated, this is easy. It is a short-lived and sacrificial relief.

Like with most addictions, it is not something I’m proud of. It is time that is gone, time that has been thrown away and wasted.

Embracing a poor coping mechanism.

I have known for a long time, but only recently been willing to expose and address this issue of mine.

When things are hard or difficult, even just tedious, instead of turning inward and facing it, I have masked it by turning to the internet. It was a swifter and simpler solution for the short-term to quickly shake uneasy or uncomfortable feelings.

Instead of using the needed downtime to refresh, acquire new knowledge or create something, I scrolled.

Instead of resting my often weary mind and body, I turned to what was easy and my time was the sacrificial lamb, left on an unworthy alter.

I left the beautiful world I created, and chose instead to scroll.

There was nothing scandalous in my scrolling, pictures of friends’ children, cute puppies, beautiful horses, interesting stories here and there. Sometimes good, often not so good parenting or marriage advice. Funny videos, random articles. Now looking back, there is devastation in the time I gave away.

Distraction is perhaps the most deceptive force for stagnation. It feels small and harmless, but it eats away at our life, one teeny, tiny piece at a time. It is subtle and sneaky and only leaves a mark of it’s passing after the damage is done and the time has been lost.

I embraced distraction. While it felt good in the moment, distraction was the thief of progress and the destroyer of dreams.

How long, I wonder, how much time in this life, have I forfeited? Just a few minutes here and there, but has it been hours? Days? Even years now, that I gave to nothingness?

Instead of using my downtime to ponder, to instill pure memories of my children playing at the park, reading a book together, or sitting and watching a show with my children when they asked, I scrolled.

Instead of going outside and pushing them on the swing, deliberately reading good literature or pursuing the dream that rattled around in my head, I scrolled.

It wasn’t all bad. It didn’t happen all the time. But in truth I knew and in actuality I justified. It wasn’t good and it was too much.

I “kept up with friends”, sometimes even commenting. But I also let solitary posts leave me questioning determinations I had made through careful thought and study.

At times, I left webpages and social media discouraged and deflated. I would become obsessive about something that 5 minutes ago had meant nothing to me.

Most often I would merely leave more tired and drained than when I started. There was little refreshing, uplifting or beneficial in the time I was using online.

I grabbed onto any justification to ease my conscious.

It was the news. After all, I needed to know what was going on in the world, I would tell myself. One headline, maybe two would easily give me the information or even five minutes of reading an article.

There was no need for hours of article click, after article click. But still, I spent late, quiet nights that would have been perfect for reflecting on the day or getting extra rest, clicking instead.

The semi-interesting link to another article was a temptation I easily indulged. There was no reason to click on that link that I now have no memory of, but I did it anyway. In the back of my mind I knew it was an unworthy exchange.

I saw the success of others in various forms, scroll after scroll on the pages I viewed. I internally cringed knowing that I could be doing more with the time I was given in this life. Then I would turn away and scroll on to the next mindless page. It easily eliminated anything I didn’t want to feel right then.

The mindlessness, the release drew me in and kept me coming back for more.

Now, I am facing it. But it is not a weakness easily eliminated.

It is a temptation to click on the link that catches my attention and distracts me from my initial purpose. It’s the idea to scroll down just one more page.

When life is tough and tiring it is easier to leave it, just for a moment. One moment that often turns into two and then ten and then hours.

Moving forward, it must be a conscious and regular decision to choose differently each and every time the urge to check out arises.

It will always be a temptation.

Reinstalling apps, signing back in, stopping on the passing webpage and allowing myself to scroll, scroll, scroll is easy to do.

It leaves me yearning for a time that will never again be available, when we all lived in a reality that was neither virtual, nor digital.

But that is a baseless yearning. The world has changed.

So, I must choose to change too and CHOOSE to live in my own, beautiful, messy, exhausting, exhilarating, fleeting reality while it is in front of me, instead of tuning out and willingly leaving my precious real life for a glimpse into others.

Acknowledgement brings change, and change nurtures hope.

The point is not to let regret cling to me and pull me down, but to let the realizations and honest acknowledgement move me forward down a better path.

Regret is the motivator to improve, to make the moments moving forward catalysts to my success–as a mother, as a women and as a human being.

So, I will happily regret the past and move forward doing better, making the moments of life count in the real tangible world of MY life.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Do you want to have greater personal mastery in your life?

Check out my guided journal to face your emotions and gain greater emotional control.