Fostering rebellion sounds counterintuitive to the practices of any good parent. Surprisingly, encouraging our children to go against the norm is healthy.

That doesn’t make it easy though.

You start parenthood with these adorable young children. They think the world of you. You can do no wrong in their eyes. You are the one they admire more than anyone else in the world. They would do just about anything for you and visa versus.

Then, as if a light switch is suddenly flipped it all seems to go black. One moment you are their greatest hero, the next, their most nefarious villain.

It goes from “I’m never going to leave you,” to, “You are ruining my life!”

Your situation may feel unique, but it’s not. The conflict between parents and adolescents is a tale as old as time.

In the midst of it, it may feel never-ending.

Every waking minute seems to be a test of where you will fail. And you DO fail.

This conflict and turmoil it turns out are good.

Not only is it natural, but it is also necessary.

It is the very conflict threatening the sanity of every hero-turned-villain parent, that leads our children to grow.

The rebellion children begin to show against their parents and other authority figures is the very thing allowing them to grow.

Depending on how it is handled, they can learn their opinions matter and their voice is powerful. Or, they can learn that if they rock the boat they are no longer loved. In highly controlling families, they may very well establish learned helplessness and lose belief in their abilities and worth.

The way parents respond to rebellious attitudes matters and likely will for a lifetime. You can read here about the potential impact of trying to assert high levels of control.

Challenging family patterns and beliefs is the very thing that allows our children to find their values and beliefs. Those will sometimes, in the end, align with that of their families. Other times they diverge.

The conflict ensures that the child’s eventual beliefs are ones which they can stand by. How the parent reacts to the conflict has a significant impact on the adult parent-child relationship.

Rebellion is necessary for children to move towards independence.

As children become adults, they can not be completely dependent on their parents for decision-making and value development. They are no longer toddlers who have a parent by their side all the time. It is important that an adolescent begins to establish their own values. These are often found after being forged in the fire of conflict.

A child who is averse to conflict or who is not allowed to embrace conflict in a healthy way will generally learn to follow the direction of others for good or ill without critical analysis of their own.

In the 1960’s Stanley Milgram brilliantly demonstrated the damage that is done when individuals are too scared to disobey.

Bringing individuals into a laboratory setting, he indicated he was testing memory. The participants were told to shock the learner, which was actually an undercover research aid, each time an incorrect answer was given. Eventually, the undercover research aid begin to beg to no longer be shocked, stating they didn’t feel well, sometimes even going silent. The majority of participants, after being reassured by the authority figure, continued to shock the learner, even after they fully believed they were administering harmful shocks. They felt it was wrong, but did it anyway because they were told to by someone who was acting as if they were in control and responsible for the outcome.

He showed the damage that can be done when individuals yield to authority figures, rather than their own values.

Not only should we accept conflict, but we should also embrace it and promote it.

This sounds counterintuitive.

Haven’t we all been taught that a happy home is void of friction and conflict?

We may have gotten that message, but it is a fake reality.

Conflict is inevitable and is necessary for growth.

Warwick Schiller’s Journey On podcast recently shared a conversation he had with Rupert Isaacson.

Rupert’s son is autistic and he took his son on an amazing journey, documented in “The Horse Boy.” Isaacson talked about how those diagnosed with Autism and other disorders are ostracized. They don’t fit the norm, so they are set aside in different classes where they can be contained.

He stated, “It makes them compliant, but compliance is no way to get through life. To get through life you need to learn how to ask questions.”

Isaacson referenced this in terms of the strides he has made with his son and his autism diagnosis. However, it is a statement that every parent should embrace for their child.

Our children must learn that it is okay to question, even when that means they are questioning us. It is okay to go against the norm.

As hard as it sounds, we should foster rebellion in our children.

It should not just be acceptable for our children to question us, it should be encouraged. When our children are right, we should be humble enough to celebrate this.

It’s not easy. It questions our very being, our wisdom our knowledge as parents. Shouldn’t we be the wise ones?

Absolutely we should, and a great standard of wisdom is the ability to yield to another when appropriate. Wisdom is knowing when we might be wrong or have room for improvement. Adolescents are keen detectors of where we need improvement. If we let them, they can be some of our greatest teachers.

Most of the greatest stories of all time have an act of rebellion at their core.

There are hundreds of events through time demonstrating this. Perhaps the starkest example comes from Nazi Germany. The heroes in Nazi Germany were indeed rebels. They were the ones who questioned authority and had the bravery to act against authority. Many lives were saved because they rebelled.

If you want your children to be the hero of their stories, you must foster rebellion within them. They have to learn to question the status quo and understand it is okay for them to do so. It is even good for them to recognize this is often the much harder path in the long run.

This is difficult to do as a parent. It is much easier to demand compliance. It is less stressful to have children who yield to our every request. It’s not fun getting called in because your child questioned a teacher. No one wants to get called out because their child is different than their peers. But blanket obedience is not good for your child.

Fostering rebellion is a challenge. Our society thrives on compliance. We reward and honor the most compliant students, and send those who are rebellious to the principles office. If you teach your child it is okay to question, you are likely to get called into meetings to address it.

But some of the most necessary rebellions cost life, so a chat with the principal or another authority figure is not a high price to pay for a strong and independent child who will be ready to face the challenges of the world with personal integrity and firmly established values. Change happens when individuals question and act on the wrong they see in the world.

Fostering rebellion does not eliminate parental responsibilities.

This does not give your child a free-for-all in life. It is not just about fighting, though sometimes that is necessary. Reasoning and mutual discussion are the keys to a healthy relationship with your adolescent child.

Yes, children should be allowed to question and especially to create change. But, there are also times when we must stand firm in our decisions. When your child’s safety is at issue, it is not an area in which to compromise. However, if it is a question of how chores should be done or other family particulars, negotiation might be the very thing to most help your child with their development.

So the next time you and your adolescent hit a crossroads and your every move and decision seems to be questioned, embrace it and rejoice in it. Your child has moved to a higher level of reasoning. This will eventually become the established level of reasoning which will guide decisions.

Adolescents have entered the arena of critical thinking. Foster that skill, even when it is, right now, directed at you. In the future, that skill will be the very thing that guides their life.

Don’t be afraid to encourage rebellion and perhaps you may find that you even learn from the freshness of your adolescent’s perspective and passion.

The good news about fostering rebellion is that it doesn’t always have to be towards you as the parent. When you focus on connection in your relationship, you can become a co-conspirator in your child’s rebellion, working to make the world a better place.

You might just find out it feels good to have some of your passions rekindled!