Clarity–being clear in the message we are trying to communicate is key.

Clarity may be an obvious conclusion for effective communication, but how exactly communication is made clear is more complicated.

My daughters will often ride my mustang, in the round pen. I have spent hours with my mustang teaching her very specific cues to direct what I would like her to do. Sometimes, when the girls are riding her, she will just stop, or she will do whatever she wants and ignore what my girls are asking her to do. They get frustrated and discouraged and call me. Watching them ride her, it’s clear to me that they are not communicating with my mustang in a way that she understands what they want her to do. They kick her and pull the rein one way then the other, or kick her to go, but are also pulling back on the reins. Sometimes, they are doing it right, but quickly switch to trying something else because they don’t feel like she is listening.

Communication seems easy and obvious in this context, but in real-life, our communication with others is sometimes just as unclear.

We want our kids to believe we are proud of them, then pout if they lose a game, or immediately tell them all the things they could have done better.

You tell your kids they can do anything, but then lose your minds when they come home with bad grades.

When you are really hurt, you tell your spouse you are just fine.

We want love and support, but lash out at those we want it from.

Our communication is not just convoluted at times, sometimes we communicate the complete opposite of what we want.

When my kids are riding I tell them, first you have to decide what you really want her to do, then you have to make your signals, your communication, clear.

The same principles apply to effective communication.

First, you have to decide what you really want.

Sometimes we think we know what want, but we really don’t. Do you want your son to win the game, or do you want him to think you are proud of him? If you want to win the game, your approach will be different than if what you really want is your child to know that you are proud of him.

When bad grades come home, a parent who wants your daughter to believe she can do anything is going to buoy her up, not further tear her down.

Don’t tell your husband you are fine, if you want him to know you are hurt.

When you need your wife’s support after a hard day at work, then you don’t lash out at her when you get home.

What do you really want? You have to decide this first in order to communicate clearly.

Once you know what you want you need to figure out the best approach to get it.

This is a process.

With horse training, you have to reinforce a behavior again and again and again before you quickly get the response you are seeking because it takes time for the horse to learn what you would like him to do. Human relations aren’t all that different.

If you want your child to feel that you are proud of him, then you must reinforce it again and again and again.

Horses, especially mustangs are very perceptive. They can read your intentions clearly. If you make a mistake, they learn from that too. You have to correct it quickly, or your mistake will be the behavior you teach them. Children are much the same.

Children hear your words, but they also recognize your attitude, your body language and learn from previous experiences.

My 12-year old was upset recently because I told her the kitchen had to be clean before she could make cupcakes. She felt that her sister’s needed to pitch in a little more. After talking to her, I said, “That’s fine. You can make cupcakes, but you need to clean up all your mess.”

“No,” she said, “You will guilt me about it later.”

That certainly was not my intention. It was actually a moment when I was trying to listen to her view and not shut down the idea of cupcakes and a messy kitchen. However, it showed me what I taught her. I say one thing and will verbally approve something, but let them know with my non-verbal behavior, that I’m not pleased with the idea. Kids know when the words that come out of your mouth are different from how you really feel.

Clear communication aligns both verbal and non-verbal communication, because you know what you want and you communicate that message appropriately and clearly.

Marriage is an area in which effective communication is possibly even harder.

There are different needs and desires to balance in marriage. Emotions are often acute. There may be baggage from previous experiences. These can all inhibit our ability to communicate clearly.

In his book, “The New Rules of Marriage,” Terrance Real lays out a simple formula for effective communication following the feedback wheel first developed by Janet Hurley.

1. Describe what you saw or heard

This is a factual description. There is clarity in stepping back from your interpretation of a situation and just laying out the facts of what happened.

2. Relate how you interpreted what you saw and heard or what you made up about it

Every experience and interaction in life has our own twist we put on it. How did you experience the event you related? Your spouse or partner likely experienced it differently, so he won’t know what your experience was unless you share that with him.

3. Express how you feel about it

This requires opening yourself up, which can be scary and hard. Sharing our feelings allows our partner to have empathy for our situation. Your wife cannot know what you are feeling if you won’t tell her and visa versus.

4. Explain what you would like to happen

Different people have different needs. When someone returns home after a bad day, one person might want a hug. Someone else might want to be left alone. Another person might want to distract himself by making dinner. You are a different person from your spouse, so you need to tell your spouse what you would like. That old adage, “If he/she loved me he/she would know what I want.” Nope. Wrong! Love does not equal knowledge. Telling your partner what you would like is your responsibility, not your partner’s.

Going through all four of these steps requires just a few sentences. Just a quick informative communication is needed, not a long drawn out dissertation.

Then, let go.

When you have communicated clearly, let go. You can’t MAKE anyone do anything. However, if you don’t communicate clearly, you don’t have a fighting chance of getting what you want to begin with.

The formula seems simple enough, but it’s not always. It requires vulnerability, practice, consistency, grace and forgiveness.

When you have effective communication you give yourself a chance to get what you want. Everyone wants a relationship that meets your needs. You want to feel heard and understood. Any good partner will want to do the same for the person they love. Both sides need some direction and clarity to know how to do that.